05 3 / 2014
I’ve literally never felt more weak in my entire life.
Confessing that everyday I feel as though my heart is breaking and that I have nothing to hope for in life was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
But I needed to do it for myself, because I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I just want to feel better, more stable, more at peace.
I just can’t wait until the end of this period in my life when I can look back and say, “damn I’ve come a long way”.
03 3 / 2014
This stupid hole is literally consuming me. It’s a possible physical sinkhole and a metaphorical one for my emotions.
What people who don’t have anxiety don’t realize is that your fears take over aspect of your life.
When I see that possible sinkhole in the back, I don’t just see a possible sinkhole. I see my apartment falling into a hole while I’m not home or while I’m sleeping and all of a sudden it’s dead dog and dead everything. I see the complex determining the ground is unsafe and we have to move. I see losing everything, losing money, losing a life when I’ve barely lived.
I can’t stand it, somedays I wish they still did lobotomies so I could just have this part of my brain carved out.
The weirdest thing about anxiety… You can be perfectly happy, laughing and enjoying life, and at the same time be so eaten up inside you don’t want to feel anything.
03 3 / 2014
Anonymous said: why are you a feminist???
because people are still asking that question
because women are payed less than men in approximately 99% of professions
because chris brown can still have a career after assaulting rihanna but miley cyrus takes her clothes off and there’s a huge scandal
because of this:
because currently it is estimated ten million more girls are out of education than boys (x)
because we’re expected to be mature but hairless like a child, in control but not bossy, sexy but not slutty and definitely not a prude, intelligent but not opinionated, independent but reliant on men, natural but look like the girl in the magazine etc etc
because being called a girl, a pussy or a bitch is an insult
because when i told my mum i refused to get anything less than a’s in my exams she told me it wasn’t ladylike to be so cocky
because my brother and 90% of my male friends think girls who wear revealing clothing are asking for rape
because every person who identifies as female should be allowed to choose if they want to get married, have kids, have a career, go to uni etc etc without expectations
because tampons and sanitary pads are stupidly expensive
because some people reading this will have flinched at the fact i just said ‘tampon’
because there are men out there whose job it is to make young girls feel like absolute shit about themselves just so they can sell the next best beauty product
because female masturbation isn’t considered normal whilst men can talk about their own penises for hours on end
because feminists are still seen as crazy lesbians who dont shave and some still feel like they have to defend themselves by claiming theyre not any of those things when in fact if i want to be a passionate lady who likes other ladies and cant be bothered to shave my legs every twenty minutes then thats my choice and if i want to be someone who wears make up and shaves and goes out partying then thats my choice and if i want to be a combination of the two or anything in between then thats. my. choice.
because i believe anyone who identifies as female is fucking badass and deserves the same rights as every privileged stuck up old white man sitting around and making laws about our bodies
because how can you not be
03 3 / 2014
I went back outside with the dog and saw that stupid depression in the ground.
It literally felt like it was mocking me. One of my biggest triggers is in my flipping backyard, laughing at me and daring me to freak out.
And I think the thing is getting bigger.
So I called my apartment office because I’m sick of worrying if the ground is unsafe or not. Even though I know it will eventually ease my anxiety, I just can’t help but imagine myself as the crazy old lady next door who steals footballs and calls the cops on everything that moves….
I guess there really is a chance that that is what I could become if I don’t get my anxiety under control now.
03 3 / 2014
I’ve decided to make a very conscious effort in making today a good day no matter what.
01 3 / 2014
It’s like, I’m just laying in bed, watching parks and rec, and all of a sudden I’m like hmmm I should take the dog out. Soooo like any normal dog owning human being, I take her to poop. Once outside, all I feel is fear. I see possible sinkholes everywhere, think there’s things lurking in the shadows around, I’m even afraid of the sky for goodness’ sake. Light pollution, aliens, the infinite ness of space, you name it and it could probably send me spiraling into an anxiety attack.
I just want to have a normal life. I just want to watch parks and rec, take the dog to poop, and not be afraid.
Mostly I just don’t want to be afraid.
I had a flipping amazing day; got stuff done, got to spend some much desired quality time with the man, and even got to get outta town for a few hours to spend some time at our places, making memories and BEING HAPPY.
It’s literally like I just can’t let myself be happy. I either open my mouth and say something retarded, or my body sends itself into a stress reaction where I feel fear.
Mrrrrpphhhhhhhhhhhhh thisreallysucks. Thank goodness for therapy. I wish I could go every day.
01 3 / 2014
Trying to explain moon moon to my boyfriend…………
28 2 / 2014
It’s just that I have no idea how I can be with someone who consistently tells lies to other people. Never to me, but I see it and I doubt and I worry and I push away and I fail. I let myself down as a girlfriend. As a person who has relationships with others.
Without him I’d be lost, and utterly alone. I’m more afraid than I want to admit of not being with him.
28 2 / 2014
I’m really feeling like the biggest screw up ever. Whenever things are going great and awesome I just have to let in thoughts of doubt and open my big stupid mouth.
Gosh I really just can’t let myself be happy.
Pretty sure I should just hide in a hole by myself for a few years, maybe I’ll learn my lesson then.